A crisis of confidence
What am I doing with my life?
Well, hello there. It’s been a while since I’ve written anything – a combination of reasons, really. From feeling like I had nothing to write about, to wondering if anyone would read it, and if they did, if they’d think it was a load of boring old toss. So I just didn’t.
But hey! Here I am, making the effort again. I had got to a point where I felt like perhaps I was being falsely productive: ticking things off my To Do List with gusto (of which this Substack was an item), but was it actually getting me anywhere? I am someone who’s driven by results, and it had started to feel like I was ticking those boxes, but not achieving what I needed to.
My Substack engagement had started to dwindle; I wasn’t getting 5 new subscribers with every post, and the friends who were my offline cheerleaders had not mentioned my latest post. I felt a bit deflated. That was, until I mentioned this to a friend, and she told me she hadn’t even seen my latest post – and perhaps, just maybe, people were busy. She had a point: I’ve barely been able to keep up with Substack myself over the past month, feeling overwhelmed by the amount of notifications and emails I get every day, some from Substacks I’m not even subscribed to. How could I possibly expect others to read my paltry posts when I don’t have the energy to engage with others’?
Anyway, I hadn’t created this Substack with any clear intention, just as a way to keep writing while I was having a break from a big project I’m working on. When the time came for me to start putting out the feelers for freelance work, I had more confidence to write a post on Linkedin having created a little audience for myself over here on Substack: so it was worth it for that, if nothing else. That first Linkedin post had huge engagement and resulted in one contract over the summer – what a win! If I could recreate that every time I posted, I’d be well on my way to becoming a six–figure freelancer on a three–day week in no time!
Right? Right? Well, not quite. Back in April, I felt like I had a small handful of warm leads that would eventually turn into work. Two more ex–colleagues messaged me on Linkedin, but ghosted me as soon as I replied. I’ve kept up the weekly posting, and get varying levels of engagement, but no further confirmed contracts. All warm leads have now turned cold. Sometimes, yes, it does feel like I’m shouting into the void.
Three weeks ago, the disappointment started to creep in, along with the nagging feeling that maybe I’d made a Very Silly Choice for 2025 by quitting my job. When the world is on fire, people are being made redundant, and all I see on Linkedin is how this is the “worst it’s ever been for freelancers,” it was hard to keep that positive mindset bubbling away. The fact that it was the second anniversary of my dad’s passing was probably not helping matters either.
BUT THEN! I had a phonecall out of the blue from a school friend who wanted to know how I was finding freelancing. Slow, I told her. She’d been freelancing for about a year and pointed out that I was very early on in my “journey” and I needed to give it a good few months to see results. She’d just signed with a new client whom she’d first spoken with a year ago. She also told me she liked my Linkedin posts (what a compliment, hey) and reminded me there was another reason I chose to go freelance, and I had to keep that my main focus.
Buoyed, I ended the phonecall with renewed energy. So much enthusiasm, in fact, that I decided to pick out an Oracle Card from the deck my friend D–Dawg bought me for my birthday (she knows I love a bit of Woo–Woo). Sometimes the cards I’ve pulled (when I remember to) seem a bit random and don’t ✨speak to me✨. This one, however, really struck a chord, reminding me of the need to plan ahead to see the results.
The next day, I pulled another. A healthy dose of wisdom on a card. The third day, and it started to feel rather uncanny, and by the fourth card, I was sold. I’ve got this! 💪 Much like a life-changing Tarot reading I had last year, it gave me the confidence to know that I have it within myself to make things happen. Whether or not you believe in magical elements, I don’t see anything wrong with it if it’s giving you a bit more confidence to chase after what you want.
So, after my week of languishing, I’ve made changes so that my days feel more intentional again. I’ve created a weekly planner, segmenting my day into two–hour chunks. I’ve made time to go to museums and galleries in the middle of the day, and enjoy long lunches with friends. I’ve set myself weekly goals and found an accountability buddy so that we can spur each other along, with a Friday check–in.
Will this result in new freelance contracts? Possibly not, but there’s a bigger project I’m pushing forward. And in between, I’m enjoying the freedom to do whatever the hell I want, which is what I wanted to get out of 2025. Sure, my savings are dwindling and I need an income – but as my friend reminded me, I need to give it more time. In the meantime, I’ll keep laying those little stepping stones and eventually have a path carved out.
Next Substack posts pending: the books I’ve been reading, and of course, my Q2 review – which I’m actually pretty excited about writing! (Spoiler: it will contain a healthy dose of Beyoncé).
As always, please ❤ this post, it takes a second of your time but helps prevent a further confidence of crisis. If you thought this post was a load of old toss, feel free to leave a comment and let me know! All thoughts welcome! 🙏
Keep pulling those woo woo cards 🥰